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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Population and its Problems

But first, before concerning himself with economic affairs, the Regulator opted to address the most pressing of national issues, a population catastrophe in which the average American acre was expected to provide habitation for 29.32 citizens, as opposed to the 1.09 of more healthy times. The earth groaned under the weight. “Never,” said he, (said the Regulator) “has so much ignorance and so many vile appetites been compressed into such tight quarters, save only perhaps in Europe, Asia, and Latin America.” He went on: “Every man his hundred acres! And let no domiciles come within three hundred yards of each other, certainly not. Every man his library, incunabula mostly and all of them leather bound!” (Wild cheering.)

“And how, Sir, may we bring the population down?” (This was actually asked by one of the bystanders.)

“Why, by giving them six months to get out of town!”


“Bet your sweet ass ‘them!’”

(Wild cheering.)

“And then we cancel all constitutional rights for those as lag behind. Want to take their houses and rape their wives? Have at it!”

“Actually it’s their daughters, Sir. Not their wives.”

And so thus Lee, who gave the order that same day. Not content with that, he next wheedled some 17 million youths off to Key West with promises of beer, video games and sex. It needed just two score of patriotic Americans to sever the single highway to that island and push it out to sea. Amazing, how quickly the quality of life on the mainland began to return to the “gold standard” of 1940-58. Next, he fobbed off almost 72 million liberals to a certain well-known large city in the Northeast which the Executor (as he was sometimes called) immediately quarantined with a laser-defended wall varying from thirty to thirty-five feet in height.

Had he died that moment, The Regulator would surely have gone down as perhaps the greatest benefactor in the whole history of the West. But still his work was not done, not even after he had purged the nation of those some seventeen million afflicted with the “cathode ray tube sickness,” a mortal condition characterized by atrophy of the brain.

[Next week: Europe]



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